“It wasn’t good for me either” – 10 decidedly queasy erotic scenes [Mildly NSFW]

Summer movies generally means you’re pretty much in for two things, lots of big explosions and lots of pretty people doing pretty people things. The problem with this, lots of the time, directors don’t exactly know how to balance actors that are used to doing action with scenes where we’re supposed to think they can be loving, caring characters. So, whether its intentional or not, here’s a quick rundown of movie scenes that’ll make you want to enter a dry spell.

1. Love in Zion – “The Matrix Reloaded”

There are few movies that more perfectly represent the bad summer movie sex phenomenon than “The Matrix Reloaded.” As Neo and Trinity sneak away from the dance party, they engage in awkward, grunting groping to the beat of bad ’90s acid house. The real problem here is the way the scene is shot. Most of the time, it looks like the pair are just clinging to one another and the two don’t look that different, making it even more strange and a little off putting. Weirdly, its one of the scenes that stands out the most in the second part of The Matrix trilogy and that’s probably not a good thing.

2. “Which one are you going to have sex with?” – “Eastern Promises”

As Nikolai tries to stay close to to the psychopathic Kirill, they stop by a brothel filled with heroin addled hookers. Kirill mercilessly grinds and licks on the vacant women, swilling vodka and yelling obsenities. Ultimately, he forces Nikolai to take one of the hookers to prove his alleigance to the family, leaving to a intentionally horrifying anal sex scene. Director David Cronenberg has always been interested in the way that nihilistic characters can make any intimate reaction into soulless congress and it’s done masterfully here.

3. Soulless Grinding – “Crash”

Cronenberg plays his hand in “Crash” right away, with several scenes of vacant empty love making in the first 10 minutes. Its all about the way that even when people claim to be at their most open and honest, they hide all their feelings and desires.

4. What time is it? – “Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead”

Sidney Lumet’s best’s film in years also opens with a sex scene, although decidedly a bizarre one. As Marissa Tomei and Phillip Seymour Hoffman have sex and plan a vacation to Brazil, viewers are meant to be pondering at one point in the timeline this scene takes place, before the twisting hellish crime spree begins. Instead, viewers are probably just focused on watching Hoffman moving around sluggishly, having sex with Tomei from behind. Sure, we might be supposed to think this but it doesn’t make me less queasy.

5. “Mommy…” – “Blue Velvet”

In David Lynch’s landmark surreal noir, the depraved Frank Booth enters Dorothy’s apartment and interrupts her encounter with Jeffrey. He inhales some sort of gas, dry humps her and engages in some light sadomasochism with his orgasm being a confusing mess of screaming pleasure and unfathomable, murderous rage. Lynch isn’t trying to arrouse by any means. Instead, this is the first look at how dark the film’s protagonist is and how far he’s willing to go to get what he needs.

6. “That bastard!” – “Macgruber

“Macgruber” plays almost everything for a laugh but nothing more than the pair of brutally awkward sex scenes. Both are filled with ridiculous, over-the-top grunting, whining and painfully shot thrusting. The second scene, featuring Will Forte having sex with the ghost of his dead wife on her gravestone. Its shot the same as the previous scene but is done for even more laughs, with Forte showing more pleasure at finding the car that passed him earlier than after sex.

7. Its more about what happens before – “I Know Who Killed Me”

At some point in its development, someone probably thought “I Know Who Killed Me” was an erotic thriller instead of just a borderline incoherent mess. Its memorable for all the wrong reasons but the scene that stands out is an awkward sequence where the Lindsay Lohan doppelgänger has sex with her not-boyfriend, with her prosthetic leg plugged into a wall socket next to them. Things get even more awkward when, post-coitus, she flashes back to her time as a stripper where her finger once was psychically cut off and fell into her glove in a slushy of blood and gore. If that didn’t make sense, watching the movie isn’t really going to help you either.

8. The tip of fame – “8 Mile”

“8 Mile” offers a lot of dubious facts about what the road to fame is like but the strangest is that the height of fame equates to a handjob from a coke addled coworker. As Eminem begins to pick up fans in his already masturbatory semi-autobiographical film, he’s taken into a back room by Brittany Murphy looking her worst for some celebratory handie. Its strange, poorly shot and weirdly inappropriate for a movie that’s trying so desperately to be “hard.”

9. Wait, its about that? – “Sucker Punch”

The entirety of “Sucker Punch” is little more than Zach Snyder’s adolescent sexual fantasies and nowhere is this clearer than in his semi-explanation of Babydoll’s dancing to the fact that she’s being sexually abused in a brothel at the time. Its a gross, hard to watch movie that only gets filthier and harder to watch as you think about it.

10. No butter, please. – “Last Tango in Paris”

Its one of the most infamously unsettling moments of unsettling cinema as Marlon Brando sodomizes Maria Schneider, using butter for lubricant. It’s a disturbing scene, particularly after hearing more and more about the making, in which Schneider was extremely uncomfortable with performing the scene. In a movie that already feels dangerously close to eroticizing sexual assault and rape at times, this scene certainly doesn’t help the overall tone.

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